|ART by Anna Brix Thomsen|
Last night I made a directive decision within myself in terms of how I will practically take self-responsibility for and directive-principle within a particular point in my life where I was ‘giving my power away’ to HOPE and within that was remaining in a point of WAITING, instead of living.
When I woke up this morning, I had an interesting experience. The first thing I became aware of was myself, and I experienced myself as clear, ready and willing to walk my decision and live self-responsibility. The next thing I became aware of was ‘something’ that came up within me in form of backchat in the mind wanting to pull me back into a feeling of depression, heaviness and hopelessness, basically an experience of self-inferiority; and the sentences I observed in that moment within my mind were trying to justify why I should reconsider the decision I made the night before.
So when I looked at this, what I found quite interesting is what my backchat revealed to me: the accepted and allowed awareness of myself through and as a personality that is apparently ‘too weak’ or simply ‘inferior’ and thus ‘reasonably’ depressed, when in fact the mere existence of such personality is a point of justification for Waiting and Hoping and not taking absolute self-responsibility and directive principle for my life as myself.
In that moment I stood still within myself and saw that I have a choice. I decided that I will not accept or allow this personality to control me through backchat in the mind or through feelings/emotions, because I have made a decision and was clear that this decision is best for all, and therefore I was not going to fall back and accept myself as ‘inferior’ because within this I would be allowing myself to fall into the self-interest of the mind and accept myself as a petty personality that is ‘powerless’ and ‘hopeless’ and thus dependent on others/external events and situations.
A point worth investigating, given this experience where upon waking up I had an awareness of myself based on my decision and a moment later I had an awareness of ‘something’ coming to present a different ‘reality’ of myself, is:
Who is it that wakes up every morning? Or rather – who/what do I wake up AS? And what determines that? What determines me?
What I can see is that we in fact always, in every moment, have this choice – to make an actual decision of who we are and direct ourselves in self-honesty as what’s best for life.
This choice however, the choice for LIFE, which is in fact a simplistic choice and can, in every moment, be seen and realized through self-honesty and common sense, is undermined through the intricacy of the mind where we in essence deceive ourselves with a ‘logic’ designed to pursue its own self-interest based on what the conditioned mind consciousness/personality THINKS it wants, needs or desires, without any consideration for consequence, for implication, for what it is one is actually accepting and allowing and thus giving permission for.
An interesting point within this is the fact that our decisions never affect only ourselves. A decision is made within self for self as self, yes – as who I am –
However, reversing the point and looking at it from the perspective of not making the decision of self-responsibility as life: one can see that there are other people involved, situations, events, future-projections, where one would place one’s hopes, one’s wants and needs, one’s own life in essence, in the hands of ‘others’/external factors, to not have to take absolute self-responsibility.
What that implies is that through such acceptance and allowance one is not only diminishing oneself, but one is also implicating others, because one is not practically considering the simple point of what is best for all.
If I look at this whole experience from the perspective of self-awareness, and specifically looking at the words I utilized to describe it, I see that I first became aware of myself in the clarity of my decision that I had made the night before; and then I became aware of “...’SOMETHING’ coming up within me in form of backchat in the mind wanting to pull me back” –
so within this it is clear that this ‘something’ is like an ‘entity’, a habitual inhabitant of/as the mind, a conditioned self-definition that became a consciousness;
it is a creation of self-interest aligned with the systematic existence of the accepted ‘human nature’ where we seek ‘convenience’ through abdicating our responsibility and in essence giving ourselves away to the separation we have accepted and allowed: from life, from ourselves, from each-other as life.
Therefore what I see within that, is that self-awareness is always equal to and one with what one accepts and allows self to be equal to and one with –
and that awareness is gonna be either an awareness of (and self-definitions as) the bipolar habits that inhabit us through and as the conditioned mind consciousness system in separation from life;
or that awareness is gonna be self awareness as LIFE based on self-honest directive and the responsibility we take for ourselves as life, thus making decisions that are Best for All.
I will continue on this.
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For further context to this Blog post see:
Day 151: 11 of 21 Days Practicing Self Equality | Who am I as my Thoughts - part2
Day 152: 12 of 21 Days Practicing Self Equality | Up&Down, Round&Round, the Car_U_Sell of Life?
Day 153: 13 of 21 Days Practicing Self Equality | Stopping the Ups & Downs
Day 154: 14 of 21 Days Practicing Self Equality | Feelings & Emotions Inequality
Day 155: 15 of 21 Days Practicing Self Equality | Feeling & Emotions Inequality -part2
|ART by Marlen Vargas Del Razo|